I not only had to accept that he had left, but I also had to accept that while one version of my life was over, there were still many more versions left to explore. While I not-so-secretly hoped for months that my fiancé would return and declare that he had made a huge mistake, I lived my life as though he was gone for good. I needed to spend my time showing up for myself instead of chasing after someone who never wanted to see me again. But at some point, in the days and weeks that followed, I realized it was a mistake to fixate on him, when what I needed to do was prioritize myself. I would have desperately tried to change his mind. I would have beaten myself up and interpreted his rejection of me as proof that I was worthless and unlovable. I would have called him up night after night and tried to find some explanation that would make sense or ease my pain. In the past, I would have demanded answers. When did he stop loving me? Did he ever love me at all? Was he leaving me over my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which I've had since age four? Was he leaving me because I made him watch Lucifer? Could I have done something that would have resulted in him not leaving me or were we doomed from the start? There were so many holes to our story that my anxious mind was desperate to fill.

But at the same time, it also wasn’t enough. (Good to know! Since it was very abrupt for me!) In the harrowing days that followed I was privy to one 12-minute FaceTime where he stoically informed me that he was confident we were over and one 20-minute phone call where I learned that the decision to blow up our lives wasn’t abrupt for him. After living together for over a year, he quickly packed a backpack complete with my engagement ring and I have not seen him since. Within 20 minutes my life and my future had fallen apart. That’s why I was so confused when he robotically announced while we were watching a riveting episode of Lucifer in November 2020 that “something was missing” and he didn’t have any intention of working on it. In fact, one of the things that had made me feel so sure about choosing him as a life partner was his inherent kindness. And we didn’t have a dramatic or volatile relationship.

When I first told my friends that my fiancé walked out on me on a random Tuesday night, they thought I was joking.

Allison raskin payless